Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
