His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
