My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
