oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
