i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
