By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
