Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
