remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
