if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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