When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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