Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
my shit smells like andre
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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