I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
