I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i was born a porn star she said
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
