i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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