I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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