I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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