im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just invented taco cereal.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
