a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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