apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
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