If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
