FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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