if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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