Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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