just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
