I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
