I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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