Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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