I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
