I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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