what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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