so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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