"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
