I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
