Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
