tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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