Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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