She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
