His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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