nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
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I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
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I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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