just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
