Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
