me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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