I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
