Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
