conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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