Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
