This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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