I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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