Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
