Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
