I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
