Are we in a gay sports bar?
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
