Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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