I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
