things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
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