Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
