Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
