Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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